


Will He Ever Walk Again?

by horrorgirl



Category: Supernatural
Genre: Fluff, Injury Recovery, Insecurity, M/M, Smut, Strong Castiel
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-09-14
Updated: 2016-09-14
Packaged: 2018-08-14 23:40:40
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 16,668
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/8033530
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/horrorgirl/pseuds/horrorgirl
Summary: It was a hell of a fight, literally, and Dean doesn't know if he'll ever recover. Cas makes it his duty to help Dean in any way that he can, and they grow closer every day. But what is going to happen when Dean gets better and doesn't need him anymore?





	Will He Ever Walk Again?

He didn't see it, he just felt the hard fist land on the side of his head. He blindly threw punches through the dizziness, sometimes connecting with bone under flesh, until his shoulders were gripped and what must have been a knee slammed against his chest, dropping him to the floor. The rest was nothing more than a blur of feet and fists working his body, cracking bones, bruising muscles, splitting skin. It wasn't until he felt the flashes of light through closed eyes that the world went quiet and the onslaught stopped. He prepared himself for more when he felt rough hands drag his body up, but then he heard a familiar voice through the haze, "It's okay, we're gonna get you out of here." He let himself be propped up to walk, tasting the blood that coated the back of his throat. He heard two voices, both worried, as he was helped into the backseat of the car. Every pothole, every bump brought a groan from his lips until finally everything went dark.

\-------------------------

"No, we need to try to keep him awake. He took a solid hit and landed on concrete. We've been through this hundreds of times, if he has a concussion we can't let him sleep." A hand squeezed his bare arm, "hey are you with me?" He just groaned in response, annoyed that they wouldn't just leave him alone. 

\-------------------------

He finally tried to open his eyes. He could feel a large bandage wrapped tightly around his chest, a dull ache in his shoulder that worsened when he moved his arm, and a sharp dizzying pain in the back of his head. "So, I guess I got my ass kicked pretty good." he mumbled.

"Yeah, well it took more than one to do this much damage, so the odds weren't exactly in your favor. How are you feeling?"

He turned his head as much as he could and looked at his younger brother, other than a few bruises and a slightly swollen eye, he was unscathed. "Was that a rhetorical question? I feel like shit, Sam."

"Well, at least you still have your sunny disposition."

"Fuck you." 

"Like I said," Sam laughed. 

"So I'm feeling the ribs, I obviously smacked my head pretty good, I'm guessing a dislocated shoulder, thank you for popping it back in for me by the way. What else?"

"I'm pretty sure that nothing is broken, other than the ribs. Your ankle and knee are in bad shape, probably severe sprains, I hope just severe sprains. Don't expect to be up and moving around any time soon. And then there's your face..."

"Yeah and I'm probably still better looking than you. I saw the light. Not the 'go towards the light' kind of thing, the 'killing a demon' light. I'm guessing that you got the assholes?"

"Yeah, we did."

"We? Cas? Cas is okay?'' Dean struggled to sit up.

"Hello Dean" he heard quietly from the corner of the room.

"Cas, when I saw you, you were down. He was working you over pretty good." 

"I'm a little bruised, but otherwise I'm fine." Cas whispered.

Dean laid back with a sigh of relief. The only reason he'd turned around was to make sure that Cas was behind him, that they would all get out safely. When he saw that Cas had been taken down, he went back, not seeing the ones waiting for him in the shadows. It had been a long time since he'd had his ass kicked this badly. "So, pain meds? Scotch? A hot nurse for a sponge bath?"

Sam chuckled, "I'll get some pain meds. Unfortunately I haven't found a hot nurse." his voice trailed off as he walked out of the room.

Cas stood up and walked to the bed, "I'm sorry, Dean."

"For what, Cas?"

"You came back for me, and now I can't...I can't help you."

"Because you lost your angel mojo and that whole healing thing that you could do? Don't worry about it, I've dealt with worse than this. You and Sam are okay, and I'm just stuck in bed for while. I mean I don't get a sexy sponge bath...wait a minute. SAM?" he yelled.

"Yeah," Sam answered as he walked back into the room, handing Dean some pills and a bottle of water.

"So if I dislocated my shoulder, fucked up my knee and ankle, how in the hell am I supposed to get anywhere?"

"You're not."

"If I drink this water, eventually nature will call, and we both know you can't use crutches with a bad shoulder. I am not, and I mean NOT letting either one of you help me."

"So hop on one leg. The bathroom is only like fifty or sixty feet away." Sam grinned.

"Funny. You could have at least brought me a real drink instead of water." Dean took the smallest sip of water possible needed to swallow the pills and took the remote out of Cas's hand when he offered it without being asked.

"I have work to get done, so if you need anything, just yell." Sam knew that his brother hated feeling like he was being babysat, and he was a difficult patient anyway. Dean was a pain in the ass by nature. When he was sick or miserable, Dean was impossible. The only one who had the patience for him was Cas.

"Do you mind if I stay?" Cas asked quietly. He was riddled with guilt every time he looked at Dean, but he couldn't leave his side. 

"Nah, pull up a chair. Help me find something to watch. Hopefully these pills will kick in soon and knock me out."

Cas settled in and let Dean find a movie, it wasn't long before he heard the soft snoring next to him and he just looked at Dean's beaten but peaceful face.

\-------------------------

The Winchester brothers versus demons game was nothing new. It was a battle that started when they were children, when a demon killed their mother. It came as no surprise that if demons really exist, so do monsters. The monsters we see in movies or read about in books. The Winchester boys had spent a lifetime following their father, hunting these creatures, searching for the ultimate revenge. Even after he died, their hunt continued. Even after they were able to track down the demon who killed their mother and carry out that revenge, their hunt continued. Even after Sam was killed and Dean sold his soul to bring him back, their hunt continued. It was delayed, but it continued. The angel Castiel raised Dean's soul from hell. Not even death and time spent in hell would stop Dean Winchester, the hunt would always continue. That's all he'd ever known, and he was the best there was. Castiel didn't just bring Dean back, the line between existing as an angel and living as a human became convoluted. He stood by them, he helped them, he saved them, and now he was one of them. These acts of exercising free will caused him to lose his angelic grace, he was human now. Although they never talked about it, everyone knew that Cas had chosen Dean Winchester over his own celestial family. Nobody really understood why, not even Cas.

\-------------------------

Cas just watched Dean sleep, knowing that every bruise, every broken bone, all of the pain was because of him. Dean had come back for him. Cas hadn't been hurt, he had been held down and forced to watch Dean be beaten until Sam saved him. Together they were able to kill the demons that were working Dean over. Cas wasn't an angel, he no longer possessed the powers that would allow him to heal Dean's body. Dean would be okay, he always was, but Cas couldn't stop the remorse from creeping in. Exhaustion finally took over and he curled up in the chair, rested his head against the mattress, and drifted off.

Sam wanted to take a picture when he walked in the room and saw the two of them asleep. That moment, they way they were positioned, defined the relationship between Cas and Dean perfectly. Dean recovering after sacrificing himself for Cas, and Cas not willing to leave his side. Dean was Cas's weakness, and Cas was Dean's. 

\-------------------------

"I've got to get down there one way or another, I might as well shower. Ugh, this fucking sucks."

"Dean, I will help you down the hallway and then wait to help you back. You'll just have to hop a few feet and balance on one leg when you get in there."

Dean wanted to glare at Cas, this whole thing was so ridiculous, but the apologetic look on Cas's face stopped him. "Okay, we might as well get this done. Will you grab me some clean clothes?" Cas grabbed them and helped Dean out of bed. He cringed every time he heard Dean gasp or grunt. He wrapped his arm as gently as he could around Dean's body and helped him down the long hallway. He took off the bandages and then sat on the floor outside and waited. He heard the shower start, the curtain slide closed, and then Dean's muffled voice, "I can't believe I'm asking this, but could you come here?" Cas opened the door and took a step into the small steamy room. "So obviously the tile is wet, and I can't put pressure on my leg. I'm about to fall on my ass. There's nothing to hold on to in here so I can't move around. Ugh, I really can't believe I'm asking this, but would you mind just sticking your arm in here so that I can hold on to it while I turn around?" Cas wordlessly slid his arm between the shower curtain and the wall. "Thanks." Cas could feel Dean's fingers digging into his flesh as he moved around. "Oh shit, hot water on fucked up face. That stung a little." Cas just listened. "Wait a minute, Sam had to put stitches in the back of my head? Why didn't anyone tell me? He cut my fucking hair!" Cas just sighed, "Dean, head wounds bleed. Your entire head and face were covered in blood. He didn't have a choice." Cas heard the water shut off, "I didn't bleed all over the inside of my car did I? Please tell me I didn't." Dean asked, reaching for a towel. Cas grabbed one and handed it to him, "we cleaned it up, it's fine." He felt Dean let go of his arm to wrap the towel around his waist and pushed open the shower curtain. "Worst shower ever."

When Dean realized that he couldn't get his clothes on, Cas thought that he might throw a full blown fit. "I can't bend down because of my ribs, I can barely move my leg, and my shoulder is still killing me." 

"Keep the towel on, we'll get you back to your room and figure something out." Cas said patiently, wrapping his arm gently around Dean's body again.

"I am not letting you get me dressed." Dean scowled as he hopped back to his room with Cas's help.

"Lay on the bed, cover...uh...yourself with the sheet, and I'll just pull them up until you can reach them without having to bend forward. I raised your soul from hell, Dean. I hardly think that helping you get dressed is that big of a deal."

Dean pouted, but laid on the bed and waited until he felt Cas slide the waistband to mid thigh, just hoping that Sam didn't walk in. Cas barely sat down in the chair when Sam showed up with his arms full of clean bandages and pain pills in hand. "You seriously had to cut my fucking hair?" Dean barked.

"Damn, I was wrong on that. I told Cas you'd be pissed about the car."

"The car? Cas said that you cleaned the car. Did you clean the car?"

Sam laughed, "yes Dean, we cleaned the car. You needed stitches..."

"Yeah, yeah, bad head wound. Cas and I already went over that in the shower."

Sam gave Dean a questioning look, and tried not to laugh.

"I had to balance on one leg on the slippery tile and I needed help. I don't know why I'm explaining myself, asshole."

"Hey, your personal life is your business, I'm just here to bandage you back up. You need to stand up so that I can get to those ribs."

"I just laid down."

"I don't care, you need your ribs bandaged so that they can heal. I'll help you stand. Grab the dresser to hold yourself up and I'll do it as quickly as I can. You've been taking pain pills on an empty stomach, haven't you? You probably need to eat."

"I'll go get him something," Cas offered, he hadn't eaten anything either and could feel his stomach growling. He heard the brothers bickering all of the way to the kitchen. 

\-------------------------

"So what exactly happened?"

Cas turned his head and looked at Dean laying there, a large bandage around his chest, dark pink and purple bruises on his stomach and sides, his arm thrown across his chest to ease the pain in his shoulder, and bandages wrapped tightly around his knee and ankle. He could see the cut over one eye, the split in his lip, and swelling on the side of his face. All of it made him feel sick. "You turned back and saw me, I was already down. My grace is gone but I kept my angel blade. He had a hold on me and I couldn't get to it. When you started coming back for me, Sam followed you. I watched you get punched, I could see them beat you while Sam killed the demon that had me. He had the knife and he saw that I had my blade, we knew that it would take both of us to stop them. I thought that you were going to punch Sam when he helped you up. We got you home, cleaned you up the best we could, Sam gave you a new haircut and stitched you up. He wrapped you with so many bandages you looked like a mummy and then he and I argued about whether or not we should let you sleep or keep you awake. He won." Cas turned his head and stared at the floor "I'm so sorry, Dean. I'm not quite used to being human yet and I hesitated before I started to fight back. That's when he wrestled me to the floor. You shouldn't have had to come back for me." He could feel his voice shake.

"Cas, don't do this." Dean said softly. "I'm a hunter, in this line of work, this life, we get hurt. I came back for you, but you used your blade and probably saved my life. Maybe you can't heal me anymore, I'll just have to do it the old fashioned way. This isn't on you, none of it."

Sam was standing outside of the doorway listening. He didn't mean to eavesdrop, he just didn't want to interrupt. Sometimes it still surprised him when he heard Dean reassure Cas. It was the only time his voice was that gentle. 

\-------------------------

The movie had ended and Dean could see Cas asleep in the chair. He reached out with his good arm and grabbed his shoulder, "Hey, Cas, wake up."

Cas slowly opened his eyes and looked at Dean, "Hhmmm?" he mumbled.

"You're tired, go to bed. You don't have to sit in that chair all night."

"I'm fine," Cas yawned.

"You're not going to leave, are you?"

"Do you want me to?" Cas asked, still half asleep.

"I don't want you sleeping in a chair, but I know your stubborn ass won't go."

"I'm fine, Dean. What if you need something in the middle of the night?" 

"It is the middle of the night." Dean was getting frustrated. "Just climb up here and I'll scoot over. No, I did not just proposition you. It's a big bed."

"What if I roll over and hurt you?"

"Then I'll smack you and send you back to the chair. Just get up here. I know that even if you do leave, you'll just come back when I fall asleep."

Cas climbed out of the chair and onto the bed. He couldn't argue, Dean knew him too well. He would come back after Dean fell asleep. He rolled on his side and saw Dean turn on another movie before he drifted off mumbling something that vaguely resembled "goodnight". 

When Sam walked in the next morning with fresh bandages, he wasn't at all surprised by what he saw. Cas and Dean in the same bed, Cas on his side with his back to Dean, their bodies nowhere near touching. Apparently Cas had graduated from being the chair watchman to the bed watchman. He knew he'd never understand them, he wasn't even going to try. Cas brought something out in Dean that no one else could.

\-------------------------

It had been a few days, and two embarrassing showers, before Dean got restless and insisted that he needed to get out of bed. Cas tried to reason with him, knowing full well that Dean didn't listen to reason. They eventually started to argue. Sam just stood in the doorway with an amused smile.

"I can't even sit at my own goddamn table and drink a cup of coffee? Eat some breakfast?"

"Dean, you can barely sit up. You groan every time you try. If you want to heal you have to lay down." Cas told him, his blue eyes blazing.

"I'll take the risk. This fucking sucks, and it really sucks that I have to rely on you to even get me from here to the kitchen."

Cas just looked at him, "So really it's my decision."

Dean locked eyes with Cas, "I guess it is. I can only lay here and watch movies for so long. I'm crawling out of my skin, Cas. If I end up hurting myself, that's on me."

"Fine," Cas relented, grabbing a pair of pajama pants out of the drawer. "But you're putting these on."

"You've seen me in either boxers or a towel for days and now you've decided it's time to be modest?"

"Sam's dressed, I'm in pajamas, it just seems weird to have you sit at the table in boxers," he started sliding them up Dean's legs until his fingers rested mid-thigh and Dean reached down to grab the waistband. Dean didn't know if he'd won the argument or not.

Sam just shook his head and walked away, he figured it was time to start making breakfast.

\-------------------------

Sam watched Cas gently help his brother into a chair, and he watched Dean pretend like it didn't hurt. He poured them each a cup of coffee and turned back to the stove.

"Hurting?" Cas asked.

"Nope, feeling great." Dean grunted.

"Don't expect me to feel sorry for you later."

Sam couldn't stop himself from laughing. At least he had his back to them so maybe they wouldn't notice.

"Something funny Sam" Dean finally asked, his voice strained.

Sam turned around and looked at the two of them. Cas in his t-shirt and pajama pants looking exasperated and Dean in bandages and pajama pants trying to look smug, but taking shallow breaths to keep his ribs from hurting. "I never knew that Cas was the argumentative type."

"I'm usually not. He's just being a total pain in the ass." Cas responded, glancing sideways at Dean.

Dean rolled his eyes and tried to smirk. Sam could see that he wanted to make a smartass comment, but was in too much pain and couldn't come up with anything. "You two sound like an old married couple." Sam laughed. Cas looked up at Sam and tried not to laugh with him while Dean just glared. They sat quietly and ate. Sam checking Dean's face and then Cas's hoping for a second round, Cas obviously enjoying his breakfast and coffee while pretending to be oblivious, and Dean grunting and breathing shallowly while he slowly chewed his food.

"So, still feeling great?" Cas asked while Sam cleared the plates.

"I'm not going to win this one, am I?"

"Probably not. Now come on, I'll take you to the shower." Cas wrapped his arm around Dean and helped him out of the chair.

"Hey, let me know when your anniversary is. I'll plan a party, or at the very least buy you a card." Sam called as they left the kitchen.

"Fuck you, Sammy."

"Hey, look Cas, his middle finger still works." Sam said laughing, he hadn't been that entertained in a long time.

\-------------------------

"So are you going to apologize for being a total dick?" Dean said, over the sound of the running water.

Cas felt Dean's fingers grip his arm as he turned around, "No. Maybe I was being a total dick, but you don't exactly listen to reason."

Dean smiled, this was a whole new side of Cas. "No, I don't," he said as he shut off the shower and waited for Cas to hand him a towel. 

When they limped back down the hall they found Sam in the bedroom changing the sheets, a pile of new bandages on the chair. He saw that Dean just had a towel around his waist, and Cas was holding his clean clothes. He realized that logistically speaking, Dean really couldn't dress himself, but he probably didn't want to see how they did it. "I'll go throw these in the washer and come back." When he came back, Cas was holding Dean up, waiting for Sam to wrap his ribs. Dean finally laid down on the bed and Sam finished wrapping his knee and ankle, handing him an ice pack. "The swelling is starting to go down a little, but they both still look pretty bad. You're lucky that nothing is broken."

"Do we have any more pain pills?" Dean groaned, trying to slide a pillow behind his shoulders.

"I told you, you have no one to blame but yourself." Cas mumbled, adjusting the pillow for Dean.

Once Dean had taken the pain pills and gotten settled, Cas climbed up on the bed and sat next to him. It was going to be another day of just sitting and watching movies, at least for him. The pills would have Dean asleep within the hour.

"So you're really not going to apologize for being a dick?"

"Nope" Cas answered.

Dean just smiled at him. 

The pills kicked in and Dean fell asleep, boredom kicked in and Cas fell asleep next to him.

\-------------------------

Cas rolled over in his sleep and threw his arm across Dean's chest. The contact woke him up and he froze. He started to slowly slide it back, trying not to wake Dean up.

"It's fine, Cas. Leave it." Dean mumbled.

"Your ribs have got to be hurting you. I know I gave you a hard time earlier..."

"You didn't hurt me, I would have smacked you and sent you back to the chair." Dean responded with a smile. "But, if it bothers you..."

"No, you just had a rough day and I don't want to make it worse."

"You've been in my bed for days, and somehow we've managed not to touch until now. I don't mind your arm on my chest. You aren't hurting me." Dean couldn't shake the feeling he'd had when Cas started arguing with him. Of course he'd been annoyed, but there was something about Cas putting him in his place that he liked. "I still can't believe that you called me a pain in the ass."

"You were being a pain in the ass."

Dean reached up and wrapped his hand around Cas's arm, holding it against his chest, encouraging him to move his body closer.

"I know you aren't trying to seduce me." Cas whispered.

Dean chuckled, "And you know this because..."

"Old married couples don't have sex." Cas smiled.

"Shut up, Cas."

\-------------------------

Day turned to night. Cas brought Dean food, he helped him to the bathroom, he adjusted pillows and blankets for him. Once Dean finally dozed off, Cas left to take a walk around the bunker. He found Sam at the table with his computer. 

"Oh, hey" Sam said, looking up. "Want to sit? I know that you don't normally drink, but it seems like you could use one right about now. You looked wrecked."

Cas was exhausted, "Thanks Sam, that would be great."

Sam placed the glass on the table and sat back down. "How are you holding up?"

"I'm fine. Dean's the one who is hurt."

"Yeah, but you said it yourself, Dean is a pain in the ass. You don't have to be at his beck and call out of some sense of guilt. This shit happens to hunters. Give him a few weeks and he'll be fine."

Cas sighed and took a sip of the amber liquid, "I'm not doing it out of guilt. Well, maybe I am a little, but I'm helping him because he's my friend and basically helpless right now. He'd do the same for me."

Sam knew that through all of Dean's faults, Cas was right. Dean would do the same for him. "I want to thank you Sam," Cas said, interrupting Sam's thoughts. "You saved my life."

"And you helped save Dean's. No reason to thank me, but if it makes you feel better, you're welcome. Can I ask you something?"

"Sure, you can ask me anything."

Sam took a deep breath, "Now don't get offended, but when did you grow a set? I've never seen you put Dean in his place. Don't get me wrong, it was incredible to watch, but the last thing I expected."

Cas just smiled, "I've kept my mouth shut for years. He's stubborn and doesn't listen to reason, we both know that. Today he wanted to argue about what was best for him and I'd finally had it. I think when he needed a hot shower and pain pill he realized that I was right. He'll never admit it, but he knows."

Sam gave Cas a warm smile, "I know that Dean has his rule about no chick flick moments, but that's his rule. Nobody has ever believed in him or tried to keep him safe, even from himself, the way that you do. I honestly don't know why you do it, or how, but I can't imagine where he'd be without you."

"The 'how' is the easy, I just do it. I know Dean, I know how to deal with Dean. The 'why' is something that I can't explain. I really don't know. It started out as a profound bond when I was an angel and rescued his soul from hell. I'm not an angel anymore so that bond has technically been severed. I guess he and I have just gotten used to being there." Cas finished his drink. "I'm going to go check on him, thanks for the drink, and the talk. To be honest, most days I don't know where I'd be without him."

Sam watched Cas walk away, sometimes he didn't know where he'd be without Cas either. He didn't understand Dean the way that Cas did and he certainly wasn't patient enough to put up with the shit that Cas put up with.

\-------------------------

"Everything okay?" Dean murmured sleepily when Cas walked back into the room. The TV was still on, nothing but static and white noise, so Cas turned it off before he crawled into bed.

"Everything is fine. I just took a walk around, talked to Sam for a minute, I thought I'd let you get some sleep."

"You need sleep too, Cas. What did Sam have to say?"

"Well, he said that I looked wrecked right before he handed me a drink," Cas chuckled softly. "Mostly we just talked about you, about me and you. We had a chick flick moment."

"Sorry I missed it, and I'm sorry if you're wrecked. You don't have to take care of me, Cas." Dean said quietly.

"I know I don't, but like I told Sam, I know that you would do the same for me."

"Of course I would."

"Sam sees it, but I don't think he really understands it. You two are brothers, you will always protect one another, but I'm an outsider. When I was still an angel we had a profound bond. I could feel what you felt, I knew when you needed me, I could always find you. That's been severed and I can't do those things anymore, but I will still always be there when you need me and I will always try to find you. I told him that over the years I guess we've just gotten used to that."

"What did Sam say?"

Cas paused, he felt awkward repeating Sam's words. "He said that he couldn't imagine where you'd be without me," he finally said softly.

"Neither can I," Dean whispered. He really couldn't imagine where he'd be. Over the years they'd fought, side by side and on opposite sides, but they always found their way back. Cas had saved him, talked him down, taught him things. "But what do I bring to you, Cas? I mean, if the bond is broken does that mean that you are here out of habit? Because it's what you are used to?"

"No, that's not it at all. I got used to your arrogance, your womanizing, your bad jokes, your obsession with your car, your inherent anger. I know all of those parts of you. I also got used to your insecurities, the way that you sacrifice yourself, how you truly believe in helping people, how you feel things too deeply. I didn't know that all of those things could exist in one place, in one person."

"So what does that mean?"

"This probably won't make sense, but you aren't just somebody I know, you are something that I experience. Now that I've had that for all of these years, I can't imagine living without it. Your energy, your emotions, the tenderness that you try to hide, in many ways I would feel empty if I didn't have those things."

"Cas, look at me," Dean whispered. Cas turned his head and searched for Dean's eyes in the dark. "Nobody has ever said anything like that about me." Cas wasn't surprised when he felt Dean's soft lips against his own. It felt natural, it felt like this is what the conversation was leading up to. He parted his lips slightly to allow their tongues to seek out one another and slide against each other slowly. It was gentle and lazy. Cas could feel himself growing hard and he pulled away. "Cas, are you okay? It just seemed...I don't know...maybe that was a mistake."

"No, I'm fine, it's not that. You are still healing and I don't want to do anything that might..."

"I know you don't," Dean whispered, planting a soft kiss on Cas's forehead. He pulled him as close as he could without hurting himself and fell asleep with his cheek resting on the top of Cas's head.

\-------------------------

It didn't feel strange to wake up with his head on Dean's shoulder. It didn't feel strange that somehow their hands had ended up, fingers intertwined, on Dean's chest. He knew that Sam had probably already been by to check in on them, but he didn't know that Sam would find it strange. He was just content to lay there, listening to Dean's soft snore. Dean finally started to move around, but he didn't let go of Cas's hand. "Hey," Dean whispered "we're okay, right?" 

"Of course we are," Cas smiled and tilted his head up. "So, what's on the agenda for today? Movies?" 

Dean just groaned before he pulled Cas's hand to his lips and gently kissed each of his knuckles.

"I can help you to the couch that you put in that side office. Sam hooked up a live stream. You might be able to find something better to watch and it would at least be a change of scenery."

"As long as it gets me out of this room." They got Dean through the main room and on to the couch. The live stream was spotty, but it was better than the same movies over and over again. "This couch kind of sucks," Dean complained. Cas was ready for the argument when Dean continued, "I have to lay on my back so it only fits one." Cas smiled and sat on the floor, leaning back against the couch. "Where's Sam?" Dean asked. Cas looked around and shrugged, "I've been with you all morning, I have no idea." As if on cue, Sam came through the door, his hands full of greasy white paper bags. Dean's jaw dropped.

"No fucking way, you didn't..."

"Bacon cheeseburgers, onion rings, the whole bit."

"Uh, Sam" Cas said gently, "isn't it a little early for that?"

"Cas, in some parts of the world one o'clock isn't considered early. I didn't think that you guys were ever going to wake up."

Cas could already feel Dean behind him, struggling to sit. "Damnit Dean, let me grab you some pillows," he muttered, standing up. 

Sam and Dean watched his retreating back as he walked down the hallway towards the bedroom. "You may not have a hot nurse, but you do have one with attitude." Sam said, setting the bags on the table.

"Right?" Dean grinned. "Bring the food over here, I'm starving."

"Oh hell no, and risk the wrath of Cas?"

"What about me?" Cas asked, his arms full of pillows.

"I was just telling Dean that it would be rude to start eating without you." Sam said, trying to keep a straight face.

\-------------------------

"It's kind of pathetic that I consider getting out of bed to lay on the couch eating burgers and watching sports a productive day," Dean chuckled, waiting for Cas to get settled in bed. He felt Cas gently lay his head on his shoulder and wrapped his arm around him, lazily running his fingers up and down his side. 

"It's not pathetic," Cas said quietly, trying not to visibly shiver under Dean's touch.

"I've been laying in this bed for what? Over a week now?"

Cas went silent, Dean knew that he had hit a nerve, that Cas was feeling guilty. "Cas, don't" he whispered. "I know you, you need to stop beating yourself up over this. So maybe you can't fix me, but you're here and you do everything for me. Hell, you let me hold on to your arm so that I don't fall in the shower. You call bullshit on me when I'm being an ass, which entertains the hell out of Sam. You sit with me and watch movies that I know you don't like. Nobody has ever done anything other than fix dislocated joints, stitch me up, and slap a bandage on me. Don't get me wrong, I love my brother, but he wouldn't put up with half of the shit that you have. I hate that I can barely do anything for myself, and I feel bad for relying on you so much."

"You shouldn't," Cas finally whispered. "I do feel guilty, we both know that, but what's done is done and all I can do is be here. I don't know, maybe I'm still trying to heal you." 

"You can't" Dean said softly, running his hand up Cas's back, hoping that Cas would look up at him. "Things are different, things have changed. I think that we both know that. I'm not sorry about what happened last night."

"Neither am I" Cas said, finally lifting his head, knowing that he was going to feel Dean's lips. Dean didn't even try to be gentle. He leaned into a deep kiss, wanting desperately to touch Cas, to feel him. He felt Cas's tongue and already started to grow hard. "Dean, I don't want to hurt you." Cas whispered against his lips. "I'll let you know if you do. God, I have never had to hold back like this," Dean groaned. He could feel Cas's lips, his tongue, his teeth slide across his neck and down his shoulder. "I can't do a damn thing about it either." Cas realized that Dean had dislocated his right shoulder, he was right handed, he couldn't touch himself. "Lube or rough?" he whispered. "Lube, in the drawer," Dean wanted to feel Cas's hands. He heard Cas fumbling around in the nightstand, looking for the bottle, and gasped in surprise when he felt the warm slick fingers slide under the waistband of his boxers and wrap around the base of his cock. "My boxers," he was almost begging. By the time they had been moved down to his mid thigh, Cas was already stroking. Dean tried to stay calm, he tried not to tighten his muscles when he felt the soft hand run up and down his shaft slowly. He knew that when he came, it was going to hurt, and he knew that he was going to come quickly. "A little faster" he whispered, completely at the mercy of Cas's hand. He felt himself starting to build, and his stomach muscles tightened, causing him to hold his breath. He couldn't feel the pain in his body anymore, he could only feel Cas's hand, sliding, running his palm over the head, squeezing just tight enough. "Cas, I'm..." he groaned before he felt the release, the warm sticky fluid dripping off of Cas's hand and onto his stomach. Silently Cas reached for some tissues and cleaned them up before he laid his head back on Dean's shoulder. 

"Where...how...what about you?" Dean mumbled.

"You don't need to worry about me, " Cas whispered, hoping that he could calm himself enough for his own erection to soften.

"I may not be able to do anything, but I want to see you touch yourself. Let me watch you, Cas." 

Cas reached over and turned on the lamp without hesitation, he didn't know why the thought of Dean watching him was so exciting. His hand was still slick when his slid down his boxers and wrapped his fingers around his cock, moving them up and down, feeling Dean's eyes on him. "I wish that I could touch you," Dean whispered. Cas groaned and started stroking himself faster, harder, leaning his head back and biting his lip, listening to Dean's quiet words of encouragement. He was going to come. He let out a loud moan and continued to stroke until he was almost limp. He laid on the bed, breathing heavily, trying to work up the energy to grab tissues. He finally cleaned himself up, turned off the lamp, and slid over to lay his head on Dean.

"Did I hurt you?" Cas asked softly.

"No. I mean I hurt, my muscles tensed, but it was worth it. I want you as close to me as I can get you." Dean said before he pressed his lips against Cas's and wrapped an arm around him. Cas laid on his side as close to Dean's body as he dared, and slowly slid his hand across Dean's chest. He didn't quite understand what had just happened, he wasn't experienced enough, he just knew that it felt right. He fell asleep before he could hear Dean softly snoring against the top of his head.

\-------------------------

Dean woke up first and listened to Cas's even sleepy breaths. His muscles hurt, but he didn't care, he was perfectly content to lay there feeling Cas's body against his. In all of the years that they had known each other, he had never considered a physical relationship with Cas. Now Cas was a force to be reckoned with, unafraid of telling Dean how he felt. Last night wasn't about a hand job, he'd had a lot of them, last night was about Cas. It was about being touched by somebody who knew him, who understood him. He'd always talked about, and had, women in his bed but he never felt as satiated as he did at that moment. He knew that he would see those blue eyes soon and that voice asking him if he wanted to shower or eat. It sounded so small and simple, but right now it was everything. He just laid there and waited, closing his eyes to pretend that he was still asleep when he heard Sam coming to check on them. Sam had seen Cas curled up against Dean every morning for days now, but never said anything. Dean heard Cas start to mumble and felt him move around. He didn't want to ever forget how it felt to wake up to the peaceful feeling of Cas asleep against him, but he loosened his grip so that Cas could stretch.

"Good morning," Dean whispered, leaning forward to kiss Cas on the forehead.

Cas gave him a sleepy smile, his eyes still closed. "How are you feeling? Are you okay?"

"I'm fine, better than I've been in awhile."

"Good," Cas mumbled, curling his body closer against Dean. Dean desperately wished that he could wrap both of his arms around Cas, he was almost there. He wanted to lay on his side and pull Cas against his chest. For now he would just have to settle for nuzzling Cas's neck and running his fingers gently down his back. Cas finally opened his eyes and looked up at Dean, "food or shower?"

"My bandages got a little sticky last night, so food is going to have to wait."

Cas rolled out of bed and helped Dean sit up on the edge. He wrapped his arm gently around him, just like he did every morning and helped him hop down the hallway. He closed the bathroom door behind them and reached to start unwrapping Dean's ribs, running his fingers softly across the fading bruises and small indentations that the bandages left on his skin. He bent his head and gently kissed Dean's chest, carefully running his hands down his back. He knew that he was there to help, he still needed to take the bandages off of his knee and ankle, but Dean's skin felt different. It felt new. "Okay," he said, finally pulling away. "Let me get that knee and ankle unwrapped." It still hurt him to hear the sharp intake of breath when he touched Dean, but he got the bandages off.

"I don't want to hold on to your arm, I want you with me." Dean whispered. Cas slowly stripped them both and reached to turn the water on. He helped Dean into the shower and pulled the curtain shut, shivering when he felt the wet fingers grip his shoulders. Dean leaned against the tile wall and held Cas at arms length, he wanted them both to look, to see each other. Cas slid his hands slowly over Dean's stomach and chest before taking a small step backwards, pulling them both under the stream of hot water. He covered his hands with soap and ran them across every inch of Dean's body. It wasn't sexual, it was gentle and slow. When the water started to cool he turned it off and reached for a towel, gently drying Dean's body before wrapping it around his waist. Dean gripped the sink and watched while he dried off his own body. "Definitely not the worst shower ever," Dean grinned. "Sam's going to wonder about the matching towels and wet hair."

"I don't think that Sam cares at this point. Let's get you back to your room and get you bandaged up."

Dean just stared into Cas's eyes, "I don't know if I'll ever understand why you are doing this."

"I told you, because I know that you would do the same for me."

"But not like this, I wouldn't know how to do the things for you that you've done for me."

"Yes you would. Now let's go get you bandaged."

Cas had just pulled a clean t-shirt over his head when Sam walked in. "How's the shoulder and ribs?"

"Better, a lot better."

"I can probably stop wrapping you in the next couple of days. The knee and ankle are still in bad shape. We probably should have taken you to the hospital." Even though it was easier to avoid hospitals in their line of work, Sam felt a little guilty about self diagnosing Dean. 

"I'm fine, Sammy. Wrap me up and let's eat. I'm starving."

\-------------------------

Although Dean talked and joked with Sam while they ate, all Cas had to do was take one look at Dean's face to know that something was wrong. His smile was forced and his eyes were distracted. He wouldn't look at Cas because he knew that while Sam may not see it, Cas would. Cas helped him to the couch and Dean laid his head on his lap, his eyes turned away watching whatever was on TV. Sam was in the next room poring through books. He was oblivious to the heavy silence that surrounded Dean. Cas sat patiently, running his fingers through Dean's hair. He would talk when he was ready, if he was ready.

\-------------------------

Cas knew when he crawled into bed that this was what Dean was afraid of. He was afraid of being together in the dark where it was easy for him to open up. Cas didn't expect him to talk if he didn't want to. Dean knew that Cas would listen without judgment, and that wasn't something that he was used to. For the most part, he'd always kept things in. Internalized them until they turned into the anger that he needed in order for him to be the hunter that he was. 

Cas laid his head on Dean's shoulder and slid his hand across his chest just as he'd done every night. He felt Dean reach up and wrap his hand around Cas's arm, holding it against him. "What if Sam's right?" he asked quietly.

"About what?"

"My leg. Sam said that it's still in bad shape, that he probably should have taken me to the hospital. I can still barely move it most of the time, and it hurts like hell when I try. What if it is more than a bad sprain and it never heals right? I'm a hunter. Not walking, not running, not driving, those aren't options."

"Dean, I wish..."

"I know, Cas. You wish that you could do something, but you can't and that doesn't matter to me. None of this, and I mean none of it, is your fault. I don't even want you thinking about that anymore. If you feel guilty for losing your grace, then I should feel guilty because you chose me, but I don't. Maybe that's selfish, but I don't expect you to fix me or save me. That's not why I want you here."

They had never talked about why Cas lost his grace, and Cas didn't know what to say.

"I shouldn't have said that." Dean said softly. They just laid silently in the dark, still holding each other.

"No, you're right," Cas said, finally breaking the silence. "I gave up my grace for you. I had a choice and I made it. That's not something that you should ever feel guilty for. I never told you that they gave me a choice, we've never talked about it. My only regret is that by choosing you, I lost my ability to help you."

"Cas, I'm sorry."

"Dean, don't be sorry. We've all known it, you just finally said it. You will walk again, you will run again, you will hunt again. This is a setback and I know that you are frustrated. I know that you are scared. Sam and I made the decision to bring you home instead of taking you to the hospital. That decision is on both of us. I could have insisted, but I didn't. All I cared about was that you were still alive. I will help you in any way that I can until you can stand up and walk on your own." Cas wanted to ask what was going to happen after that day came, but he knew that now was not the time. There may never be a good time.

"You're too good to me, Cas. God, sometimes I feel like I'm going to wake up and you'll be gone. You'll finally realize that I'm not worth it."

"You are worth it," Cas whispered, tilting his head to press his lips against Dean's. He reached up and ran his fingers down the side of Dean's face, parting his lips, waiting for Dean to deepen the kiss. He knew that they needed to be careful, but he needed Dean to feel him, to know that he was there by choice, a choice that he would never regret. He felt Dean's hand slide up his back and cradle his head, pulling him closer. The kiss became heated, and Cas knew that he should stop, but he couldn't. He slid his mouth across Dean's neck, biting and sucking. He ran his lips along Dean's collarbone, and the places on his chest that he knew wouldn't hurt. He was hard, almost painfully, but he had no intention of asking anything of Dean. He reached down and gently touched Dean's hard cock, trailing his fingers up and down the silky skin. He didn't grab lube, he knew that he could do this rough. Dean groaned when he let his palm gently glide across the head, stopping long enough to softly squeeze before he curled his fingers around the shaft and started moving his hand slowly. He could feel himself throbbing and without thinking, slid his other hand around his own cock, stroking both with the same rhythm. He tried to make it last, he tried to hold back but he knew that he was going to come. He tightened his hand around Dean and started stroking him faster, hoping that he was close. Just as he felt his own release, he heard Dean's guttural moan and felt the throbbing as he came. Cas was still gently squeezing and touching him while he reached for the tissues and cleaned up both messes. "You are going to walk again, Dean, and I will be there when it happens. I will do whatever it takes." He bent down for a long and tender kiss before he settled back against Dean's shoulder and waited to feel Dean's arm wrap around him.

"Thank you Cas" Dean said, his voice thick with emotion. He knew why Cas had just touched him, touched them both. He kissed the top of Cas's head and pulled him close.

\-------------------------

Sam had taken the stitches out, the bruises had either faded or disappeared completely, and the cuts on his face were nothing more than small scars that would eventually disappear. They all knew that he could probably be using crutches, but nobody said anything about it. Cas was perfectly happy to help him, and Dean was perfectly happy to feel Cas slide his arm gently around his body. He'd never felt so close to anybody in his life and he was afraid that when he didn't need help, things might change. 

"My chest is fine, Cas. My shoulder is fine. I want both arms around you so scoot your stubborn ass over here."

"Such a sweet talker," Cas chuckled when he rested his head on Dean's chest and for the first time felt both arms wrap around him. He absentmindedly ran his fingers across Dean's stomach and listened to his heartbeat. He knew that maybe he shouldn't, but he couldn't stop himself from sliding his fingertips along the waistband of Dean's boxers. When he felt Dean's body shudder, he slid his fingers further down and gently grazed them against his lower stomach. He smiled to himself when he felt Dean growing hard. Every night they would lie in bed together, kissing and touching gently. Cas was always afraid of things becoming too intense and some how hurting Dean, but Cas knew that he didn't need to be so careful anymore. He pushed Dean's boxers down and teased his cock with his fingers, starting to kiss and softly bite his neck. Dean pressed his lips to Cas's when he felt him slowly stroking. Cas leaned away from the kiss and trailed his mouth down Dean's chest, gently raking his teeth across a nipple, eliciting a moan. His hand stopped stroking and his body slid further down, his lips exploring the sensitive skin of Dean's lower stomach and hips. Dean tensed when he felt Cas's tongue slide up his shaft and swirl around his head. He was licking and gently sucking as his hand ran up and down Dean's length. Dean's fingers were tangled in his hair when he started moving his head slowly up and down, sliding his tongue around the silky skin. Dean's hands encouraged Cas to move faster, to take him deeper. "Oh god Cas..." Dean cried as he began to throb "I'm right there..." Cas took Dean's cock down his throat and swallowed, still gently touching him until he had gone limp. He pulled Dean's boxers back up and crawled up the bed to rest his head on Dean's chest.

"Seriously, Cas, where did you learn..." Dean panted.

"Porn," Cas smiled. 

"I've said it before, but I'll say it again, thank god for porn." 

Cas could hear Dean's heartbeat return to a normal pace. "Did I hurt you?"

"Are you going to ask me that every time we fool around?"

"I don't know, maybe."

Dean chuckled, "You know that my right hand is useful again, right?"

"So I didn't have to do that? You could have taken care of yourself?"

"Shut up, Cas" Dean murmured before tilting his head to press their lips together, rubbing Cas through his clothes until he started rocking his hips against Dean's hand. Cas had never felt Dean's touch, he had no control over his own body, he couldn't even reach for lube. Dean slipped his hand under the waistband and expertly stroked, running his thumb across the head before sliding his hand down the shaft. Cas started to feel dizzy with need. Dean could feel Cas, his body, his mouth, letting him know that he was ready, that he was already there. He tightened his grip and pumped his hand faster until he heard his name echo off of the concrete walls and the warm sticky fluid dripped off of his hand and onto Cas's stomach. Without a word, Cas reached for the tissues and handed them to Dean. "Are you okay?" Dean whispered.

"I think so," Cas said quietly. "I've never had someone else's hand...I mean...I've always..."

Dean smiled, tossing the sticky tissues into the garbage can before he settled back against his pillows and pulled Cas to him. "So which is better? Your hand or mine?"

"Right now I'm going to have to say yours. That was..."

"Yes, it was." Dean whispered, kissing the top of Cas's head. Cas lifted his head and pressed his lips to Dean's. It was one of those moments when there were so many things that he wanted to say, but couldn't form the words. 

"Not that enjoy getting my ass kicked by demons, but I'm almost grateful that it happened," Dean whispered. "I don't know that we'd ever be where we are right now. You've always been there, you've been my best friend, and then there's this. I'll be honest, that day that you threw your arm across my chest it did hurt, but I didn't care. It just seemed right. That's probably the most chick flick thing that I have ever said, but I mean it."

"I know you do."

"I know that I rely on you too much Cas, and that makes me a selfish bastard. Especially since I know that you'll be here for me, that you are here for me. Nobody has ever taken care of me and I don't always know what to do with that."

"Do you trust me, Dean?"

"Yes, I do, and I don't always know what to do with that either. We're both changing."

Cas wasn't sure what Dean meant by that. Obviously things between them had changed, but he wasn't trying to make Dean into something that he wasn't. "I don't want you to change, not now. I mean I don't want you to be the Dean Winchester who hated me when we met..."

Dean chuckled in the dark, "I did. You had an agenda and you were just following orders. It took me awhile to see it, but I finally did. I'm not that Dean Winchester anymore, I can't be that guy. Maybe it's because of you, probably it's because of where life has taken me since then. I know that I'm broken and angry. That's what has made me a good hunter. But when I'm with you, when we close that door and I feel you next to me, that anger starts to fade because I know that you see past it. Sometimes I can't even see past it."

"You've lost almost everything, Dean."

"And you gave up everything."

Dean pulled Cas closer and pressed his lips to the top of his head. 

\-------------------------

"Do you really think you can put weight on it? The swelling is almost gone, the bruises are gone, but have you even tried moving your leg?" Sam was concerned that Dean was trying to push himself too hard.

"Yeah, a little bit when we get out of the shower and the muscles are looser because of the hot water. It hurts like hell, but everything seems to be working okay."

"I know that you'll get up and try to walk no matter what I say, but how about a compromise? We'll stop with the bandages and you just try to move your leg for the next couple of days. In the shower, out of the shower, wherever. I just think that if you try to stand you're going to end up on your ass and in worse shape than you are right now."

Cas just stood and watched the brothers, noticing how neither one reacted when Dean said something about when they were in the shower. "I'm with Sam on this one," he finally said. "You need to be able to move your foot and your leg before you can try to stand."

"The double team," Dean sighed. He knew that he wouldn't win, especially now that Cas wasn't afraid to call bullshit on him anymore. "A few days, I'll give it a few days." He leaned back against the headboard and waited until Sam left before he reached down to touch his knee. He hated feeling trapped and he hated feeling weak.

"Dean, I watched what they did to you. I watched them stomp on your leg and kick you in the face. You're lucky you aren't dead. Just humor Sam, he feels as guilty as I do in a lot of ways."

"I know," Dean groaned. "It's just really fucking frustrating."

Cas climbed on the bed and let Dean wrap his arms around him. "I know it is. I know you and I know that you want to be able to go where you want, get out of the bunker, drive your car..."

"Oh, why did you have to bring up my baby? That's just a low blow. Sam's been driving her for weeks and the last time I was even in that car I was semi conscious and bloody. I hope you know that I'm still serious when I say that there better not be any blood in that backseat."

Cas laughed, "I think Sam's taken it to get detailed and steam cleaned a few times just to make sure."

Dean slid down the bed and rolled on his back, pulling Cas on top of him. "Just think of all of the things we'll be able to do," he whispered, sliding his hand up the back of Cas's neck and into his hair. He leaned his head up for a kiss, but Cas was already there, pressing his lips against Dean's, parting them slightly. Dean's grip on the back of Cas's head tightened as their tongues met and slid together almost desperately. They had never laid with their bodies pressed against one another and Dean was already growing hard, using his good leg to gently rock his hips. Cas moaned and started rocking when he felt Dean let go of his hair to run his hands under his t-shirt. He heard the familiar sharp intake of breath and felt Dean tense. "I'm guessing that somehow this hurt you, but you're not going to admit it. And, we left the bedroom door wide open," he whispered as he rolled onto his back next to Dean. 

"Okay then," Dean said, sitting up. "We can at least play doctor." Cas just looked up at him, confused. "I'm talking about my knee and ankle. I've got to get walking, Cas. I've got to do something. I'm frustrated on more than one level..."

\-------------------------

The first time Dean put weight on his leg, Cas had to grab him to keep him from falling. "You are trying to do too much too soon. Quit being so damn stubborn. Do you want to make it worse?" Cas chastised him. Dean sat back on the edge of the bed with a resigned sigh. He knew that Cas was right. "Listen," Cas said, kneeling down in front of him. "I know that you're frustrated. I don't completely understand because I'm not the one going through it, but I am the one who is next to you. You've got to give it time, Dean."

"I know, but it fucking sucks. I was able to get up and walk after I was pulled from hell, but some demon decides to do a fucking tap dance on my leg and I can barely get out of bed."

"But you're alive, Dean. You'll get there and I will help you. Let me go grab you a drink, you need to relax."

Sam watched Cas leave the room and turned to his brother, "I hope you appreciate all of this, what he does for you. I'm your brother and I'd do almost anything for you, but Cas goes above and beyond. He puts up with a lot of shit."

"Of course I appreciate it, Sam. I know that he doesn't have to be here doing all of this. I know that he feels guilty as hell."

"It isn't about guilt anymore, Dean, and you know that."

\-------------------------

Cas was laying across the bed with Dean's head resting on his stomach, mindlessly running his fingers through Dean's thick dark hair.

"Cas?" Dean said quietly.

"Hhmmm?"

"You don't still blame yourself for any of this, do you?"

Cas hesitated before answering, "I try not to because I can see you getting better every day. But sometimes when I close my eyes, I see it happen all over again. They could have killed you, they were going to kill you."

"But none of that is on you, Cas. You don't need to be doing everything that you are doing for me. You don't owe me anything."

"Other than my life, I guess I don't."

"Cas...."

Cas stopped running his fingers through Dean's hair and Dean could feel his stomach muscles tighten as he struggled to pull himself up on his elbows. "I know I don't have to do the things that I do. I want to and you need to let me. I watched them almost kill you, and I plan to watch you walk down the hall and up the stairs on your own."

Dean tilted his head, signaling that he wanted a kiss. "Thank you," he whispered after Cas pulled away to lay back down. Sam was right, and Dean was confused. Everything had changed, for him, for Cas. He knew what he wanted, what he needed. 

\-------------------------

"God, I feel like a fucking baby when you guys stand there and watch me take a few steps." Dean was finally able to put weight on his leg, but not for very long. 

"Too bad," Cas said from where he was sitting in the chair. He'd finally stopped hovering, for the most part. He knew that Dean hated feeling like Cas was babysitting. "If one of us isn't with you, and you decide to get out of bed, you will end up on your ass and you know it."

Dean shot Cas a dirty look, and Cas just stared him down. 

They were in the kitchen. Dean was getting pretty good at moving from the table to the counters without help, but Cas could see the pain on his face when he pushed himself too hard. They worked to move his leg and foot when they were laying in bed, or standing in the shower. The stronger Dean got, the more bittersweet it was for Cas.

\-------------------------

He couldn't walk more than a few steps by himself, but he was getting stronger every day. He didn't necessarily need Cas in the shower anymore, he wanted him there. They both thought about what would happen when Dean didn't need Cas to help him, but they never said anything. Cas had his own room with his own bed, but he hadn't slept in it in weeks. Neither one of them knew how to bring it up, but it was weighing on Cas's mind. 

Dean was sitting on the couch watching TV, proud of himself because he'd walked almost half of the way there by himself before Cas had to grab a hold of him. It wasn't as much the pain as it was the weakness. He hoped that it wouldn't be much longer before he'd be able to move around on his own. Cas had gone into the kitchen under the guise of getting something to eat, but really he just wanted to be alone. He wanted Dean to get better, he wanted to see him healthy, but he didn't want things between them to change and he knew that was selfish on his part. He was nursing a cup of lukewarm coffee when Sam walked in.

"Cas, are you okay?"

"Yeah, I'm fine. Just tired." Cas knew that Sam could see right through the lie.

"I know what's going on, you're afraid of what's going to happen when he doesn't need you anymore. Cas, he's always going to need you, that's never going to change. Wouldn't you rather him need you by his side by choice instead of by circumstance."

Cas sighed. He figured that Sam knew. "Of course I do. That day is going to come, and it's going to come sooner than later. What if this has all been about circumstance? I've taken care of him. I've been a warm body."

"Cas, you are more than a warm body. I know my brother. Yes, things are going to change, but what if they change for the better?"

Cas lifted his head from where he had been staring into his coffee cup and looked at Sam. "What if they don't?" he quietly asked.

"Why did you start helping him?"

"Because I felt guilty. Because he's my friend."

"Do you still feel guilty?" Sam asked. "And can you honestly tell me that he's just your friend?"

"I don't know what he is. We don't talk about it. I don't want him to be a prisoner in this bunker, but what happens when he can walk up those stairs and drive away in his car? We both know that's the first thing that he's going to do, and that's great, that's what I want for him. But, am I supposed to go back to sleeping in my own bed when that happens? If I ask him that right now, he'll tell me no. He'll tell me that he wants me there. Maybe I'm being insecure, I know I'm being insecure. There are still a lot of things that I don't understand about humanity, and how things are between Dean and me is confusing."

"I hear the way that he talks to you, I see the two of you asleep in his bed. I've never seen that side of him before. I'm not just saying this to make you feel better. I have no reason to lie to you. I know how Dean is and If I thought for a minute that he was being an asshole and taking advantage of you, I would say something. You give him something that nobody else can. I see it, I always have. I know that you have a hard time with emotions, hell, so does he. Go back out there and be with him, I'll grab some take out. Stop worrying Cas, he's not going to let you go anywhere."

"Thank you, Sam" Cas whispered. Sam just nodded at him and walked out of the kitchen. Cas could hear the muffled sounds of him talking to Dean. He didn't know what he was going to do if Dean wanted things to go back to the way they were before. He just knew that he couldn't. 

\-------------------------

Dean was sitting up in bed watching a movie when Cas crawled over and straddled him. "How's your ankle and knee?" he asked quietly.

"Barely hurts, I think I'm almost there. Um...I really like where you're sitting, but I am wondering why you are doing it."

"You've talked about it, your frustrations." Cas handed Dean the bottle of lube, "so I want to take care of you."

"You want to...I mean...inside of you?" Dean stuttered. Cas just smiled and nodded. "Have you been watching porn again?" Cas again smiled and nodded. "For some reason I find that extremely hot." he said, grabbing Cas's hips and pulling him as close as he could. "Are you sure?"

"I know that it's going to hurt, but I want to. I need to." Cas moved off of Dean to strip them both, then moved back with his legs on either side of Dean's hips. "Now we either start this with your fingers, or my own, it's up to you. I want the light on because I want you to watch." Cas whispered, kissing and nipping at Dean's jawline and neck feeling them both grow hard against his stomach. 

"Sometimes you are sweet, and sometimes you are bossy as hell, but most of the time lately I'm just turned on. Hold out your hand." Dean dripped lube on Cas's fingers. "You first, I want to see you get yourself ready for me." Cas leaned back and let Dean watch him slide a finger inside of himself, slowly rocking against it. "Another one." Dean insisted, feeling the tension and hearing the gasp as Cas slid the second finger in, moving them back and forth, trying to stretch himself. "Now you" Cas whispered, waiting to feel Dean's hand against him. Dean slowly slipped a slick finger inside of Cas, working with Cas's own to loosen him, prepare him for Dean's cock. He could see the pain on Cas's face, but he could also see the need. When he ran his fingertip across his prostate, he heard the groan. "I need you..." Cas whispered. They slid their fingers out and Cas wrapped his hand around Dean, lining him up and sliding his body down Dean's slick cock. He gasped at the combination of pleasure and pain. "It's okay, baby. Don't move until you're ready." Dean whispered, holding Cas against him and leaning in for a deep kiss. He had never felt anything like this before. Cas was so tight and so eager, Dean could have come the minute he felt his cock buried deep. He pressed one hand against the side of Cas's face and grabbed his ass with the other, unsure if he wanted him to hold still or start moving. "This isn't just about me being frustrated, this is about us," he said quietly. He didn't want to come too soon, he wanted to satisfy Cas. "If this hurts you" he whispered, "we can stop." Their eyes locked, Dean's the most amazing shade of green and Cas's bluer than blue. Cas started to slowly move, guiding Dean's hand between them. Dean wrapped his fingers around the base of Cas's cock and just squeezed. Cas shifted his body until he felt Dean slide against his prostate and he moaned, encouraging Dean to start stroking him. Cas was moving so slowly it was almost painful, but Dean couldn't get enough. He watched Cas's body slide against him, he saw the slow smile cross Cas's lips as he closed his eyes and gave himself over to the rhythm. Dean gently stroked and slowly rocked his hips to meet Cas's every movement. He never wanted the feeling of Cas's body, the euphoric look on Cas's face to end. At that moment, Cas was everything to him and Dean knew that he always would be. He fought back tears as he stroked and rocked, his physical need taking over. The sound of Cas calling his name was almost an echo and he barely felt the warm come as he continued to stroke gently, knowing that soon, Cas would be too sensitive for him to touch anymore. He was building and throbbing, he wrapped his hands around Cas's hips, pulling their bodies together. With a few hard thrusts, he exploded inside of Cas moaning and still gently rocking. It was like nothing he had ever felt before, the pleasure radiated throughout his entire body and he couldn't catch his breath. He held Cas's against him and gave him a long lingering kiss. Cas shivered when Dean ran his hands up and down his back. Neither one of them wanted to move, they wanted to feel like this forever. "So, who asks who if they were hurt?" Dean whispered. "Don't worry about me, Dean. I wanted this. I wanted to feel as close to you as I could." Dean pulled him into a deep kiss, still trying to control his emotions. He wrapped his arms around Cas and buried his face in his neck. "That was incredible, Cas." Cas too was trying to control his emotions, holding back tears and trying not to talk. He was still so afraid that everything was going to change. He knew that if it did, at least they had this night, and it was something that both of them would always remember. "Let's shower," he said quietly, climbing off of Dean. 

Dean was exhausted, but was steady and stronger on his leg as they walked down the hallway. Cas knew that soon, Dean would be able to walk by himself. They cleaned up and Cas barely held on to Dean on their way back to bed. He needed to know if Dean was strong enough to try walking on his own, if he didn't need him anymore. When they climbed into bed, for the first time, Dean laid on his side and pulled Cas against him. "I've never felt like that before, Cas. I'm not talking just physically. I mean it was a first for me, but it was you." Dean whispered, "It had to be you. It wouldn't have been like that or felt so right with anybody else. You told me that I'm not just someone you know, I'm something that you experience. Now I understand that. I just experienced you, Cas. The way you looked at me, the way you felt, I can't even describe it. Right now, me and you in this bed, that's everything. I don't care about what is outside that door." He could feel Cas trying not to cry, and placed gentle kisses along the back of his neck, wrapping his arms tighter, holding Cas against him. They fell asleep, content, satisfied, and both wondering what the future held. Cas was afraid that Dean wouldn't need him anymore and knew that it was selfish for him to feel that way. Dean was afraid of Cas finding out that he could already walk by himself, and not reaching for him every morning to hold their bodies close while they moved around the bunker. Dean's arms never relaxed, and Cas's hands held them tightly against his chest until Dean was softly snoring and Cas was breathing evenly in his sleep. 

\-------------------------

Cas wasn't even fully awake when he felt Dean's lips. He smiled and stretched before he rolled on his side, facing Dean. He heard a soft, "good morning" before Dean's mouth pressed against his gently. Instead of opening his eyes, he parted his lips slightly, inviting Dean's tongue into a deeper kiss. "No worrying about my leg, no worrying about anything." Dean whispered, trailing his mouth down Cas's neck and across his collarbone. Cas cleared his mind and gave in to the feel of Dean's mouth. He lost himself in the heady scent of musky skin and the tender touch of calloused hands. He felt himself being rolled onto his back and Dean settled between his legs, holding him in a hungry kiss. "My god you are sexy," Dean said quietly when he sat up to look at Cas. He ran his rough hands along taut skin and traced every muscle with his fingers, memorizing Cas's body. Cas arched against his touch, letting out deep breaths with every new sensation. He could feel the low moan build in his chest when Dean finally leaned forward and pressed their bodies together. "I've been waiting for this, wanting this, your body against mine. Open your eyes for me, Cas." Cas opened his eyes for the first time since he felt Dean's lips and was met by an intense green stare. Dean pressed a hand against the side of Cas's face before he started to gently rock his hips. Cas matched his rhythm, unable to tear his eyes away from Dean's. They were lost in a sultry haze of fingers massaging muscle, hands sliding, leaving a trail of goosebumps in their wake. Their movements were fluid, slow, and lazy. Neither was thinking about the finish, it was the moment that mattered. Tender and feathery kisses along sensitive skin, deep breaths and soft moans calling out for each other. Cas's hands softly sought out every inch of Dean's body that he could touch. They eventually gave into the build and started rocking faster, Cas pressing his hands against Dean's lower back. The sweat slicked skin sliding against him was too much for Dean and he finally whispered, "Oh god..." followed by a deep guttural moan. He heard his name pass through Cas's lips and felt the warmth spread between them. Dean's body melted against Cas and he buried his face in Cas's neck, enjoying the feel of the satisfied tremors that were passing through Cas's body. They laid like that, gently touching and kissing until their breathing had calmed and their bodies were overheated. Dean rolled off and laid on his back, reaching for Cas's hand. He intertwined their fingers and brought them to his lips, kissing each of Cas's knuckles. Their bodies were too sticky to completely clean with tissues, so Dean rolled off of the bed to grab clean clothes before they walked down the hall to shower. He pulled boxers on and turned in the doorway, expecting to see Cas behind him. Instead he saw Cas sitting up in bed, just staring at him. 

\-------------------------

"You're walking? And with almost no limp?" Cas whispered.

Dean looked at the wall behind Cas, he couldn't meet his eyes. He didn't know what to say or how to explain, he just knew that he'd fucked up. 

"For how long, Dean?" 

"A few days, maybe a week." He finally said, so quietly that Cas barely heard him.

"But how? I mean, we're always together." Cas was confused.

"I didn't want to wake you up every time that nature called, or call you back into the room to grab the remote when I couldn't reach it. I should have said something." Dean stuttered, knowing that it sounded like an excuse, a lie.

"But you didn't because it's a lot more fun when we're playing 'nurse'..." All Cas wanted was to know was that he, what they had, would carry over into Dean's life once he didn't need help anymore. Dean hadn't needed him for days, none of it made any sense. 

"Cas..."

Cas got out of bed and threw boxers on. "I'm not mad, or even really upset. I have no right to be. The goal was to get you healthy and you're obviously healthy. I'm just going to go clean up, I'm not really in the mood for a shower right now." He grabbed clothes and attempted to smile at Dean as he slid past him and out into the hallway. He didn't know what he felt, but he felt something and he needed to figure it out. 

He came out of the bathroom and walked down the hallway, not really knowing where he was going. He passed Dean's bedroom and noticed that the door was shut. He walked into the kitchen, ready for an awkward silence, but instead he found Sam sitting at the table. Sam just looked up at him and pointed at the coffee maker. Cas poured a mug and sat down. He stared at the swirls the cream made when he poured it into the dark liquid, he absentmindedly ran his spoon around to stir in some sugar, but he made no move to pick it up and drink it. "Where's Dean?" Sam asked slowly. Obviously something was wrong.

Cas shrugged, "your guess is as good as mine. The last time I saw him he was standing in his bedroom doorway."

Sam was confused. "You helped him to the doorway and left him there?"

"Oh no" Cas said, finally looking up. "He walked there. He barely even limps. He could probably make it up the stairs if he really wanted to."

"Okay, but yesterday..."

"I know." Cas said. "Yesterday he couldn't make it all of the way to the shower alone. For all I know when we had sex last night, or when we had sex this morning, or both, it somehow brought back my ability to miraculously heal. Sorry Sam, that was way too much information."

"No, no, you're fine. You need to talk...talk."

"I don't even know why it bothers me. It shouldn't. All I've wanted was to see him get better. But he hid it. He did it behind my back, and that confuses the hell out of me. I don't understand. I mean last night...and then this morning it was so...maybe I'm taking it too personally."

"I don't think that you're taking it too personally," Sam said. They heard a door shut and the shower start. 

"Well, I guess we know where he is now." Cas slid the coffee cup away from him. "I haven't left the bunker in weeks. I need some fresh air. Thanks Sam."

Sam just sighed as Cas walked away. He picked up the mug and was pouring the untouched coffee into the sink when he heard the bunker door close. 

\-------------------------

Sam didn't even bother to look up from his computer and turn around when he heard Dean behind him. "Ah, the miraculous walking man. What was it? A faith healer? Divine intervention?"

"Have you seen Cas?"

Sam finally looked up and turned around in his chair, "I have. How do you think I found out that you were suddenly healed?"

"I don't need your shit right now, Sam. Where did he go? He's not in the bedroom."

"Maybe you don't need my shit right now, but you're going to listen to it anyway. Why didn't you just say something? Anything? What's with the sneaking around bullshit? All he has wanted was for you to get better, he wanted to help you, he wanted to be there. He has done everything for you, but you've spent the last week doing what? Using him? How long were you going to let this play out, Dean? It's pretty clear that he has feelings, strong feelings for you and right now he is somewhere questioning where he fits into your life. You know, I actually defended you the other night. I told him that you would never take advantage of him. He went a little TMI on me earlier when he told me that you had sex with him last night and this morning and then got up and walked out of bed. That's pretty fucked up timing. All he has done is taken care of you and felt guilty as hell because he truly believes that this was all his fault. He didn't come right out and say it, but I think he feels pretty fucking used right now, and he has every right to feel that way."

"I don't owe you an explanation. Just tell me where Cas went."

"Leave him alone right now, Dean."

Dean sat down with his elbows on the table and dropped his head to his hands. "Sam, please tell me where he is."

"He isn't at your beck and call anymore. You can sit here and wait for him to come to you."

Dean stood up and with a small limp, walked back to his bedroom, slamming the door shut behind him. 

\-------------------------

He was laying in the dark with his arm thrown across his eyes, just trying to figure out what in the hell he was going to say when he heard the door open. He sat up and could see the outline of Cas's body in the doorway. "Cas, let me explain," he said softly.

"There's nothing to explain, Dean." Cas said calmly. "I blamed myself and I felt guilty because I couldn't heal you. Now you're healed and I shouldn't feel guilty anymore. Isn't that considered a win/win situation?"

"Is it really that black and white to you? Because I see a whole lot of gray area in there."

"You're right, there is a lot of gray area. I'm just not going to ask you to explain it or justify it. I'm not mad, Dean. It stings a little that you didn't say anything, that you got a few extra days out of me."

"A few extra days? Cas, it's not like that."

"I'm not saying that you intentionally used me. I don't think you could, not with me. I don't even have a legitimate reason to be upset. Now we know that you're going to be okay and life goes back to normal."

"Cas, just come in here and talk to me." Dean pleaded.

"I've said everything that I need to say. I've meant every word that I have said to you over the last month. I've got nothing else. I actually just came here because Sam said that you were looking for me earlier. I thought that I'd let you know that I'm back in case you were concerned." Cas left and gently pulled the door closed behind him.

Dean jumped off of the bed and followed him down the hallway, grabbing his arm and spinning him around. "Please, don't do this." he whispered.

"Do what? Give us an out?"

"Maybe I don't want an out." 

"Maybe I do." Cas said quietly.

Dean let go of his arm. "You want an out? You just want to walk away and not talk about any of this? Pretend that nothing ever happened?"

"Things did happen, Dean. We had sex and it was incredible, but you are free to go. Time is up."

"No" Dean said , "that's where you're wrong, Cas. Time isn't up, time stopped. Time stopped for us and we spent a month with nothing but each other. No demons, no hunts, no fights, none of the shit that has always been there. It was just us, you and I."

"And when you walked on your own, time started again without me knowing it. We have to live in the real world now. You blindsided me, I wasn't ready for this. I was supposed to be by your side, I promised you that I would be, but you didn't give me that chance. I thought that this was about us, you and I. I thought that we were in it together, but maybe I was trying to see something that isn't really there. I have spent every day, waiting and hoping that I was doing enough. I wanted to be there for myself to see that you were okay, that you can still walk, and drive, and hunt. I'm happy for you, Dean. But having sex with me twice in a 12 hour span and then walking away from me while I was still in your bed was probably the worst way for me to find out that you don't need me anymore. That was an asshole move. I have absolutely no idea where I fit and I'm honestly afraid to ask. I can't do this. I'm going to take that shower that I avoided earlier and then I am going to go to my room." Cas turned and walked into the room that had been his to grab clean clothes. Dean watched him until the bathroom door shut and he heard the shower turn on. He felt like he'd been punched in the chest. He never expected that Cas would walk away. 

\-------------------------

"It's been two days, Sam. I hear him moving around, but I haven't seen him."

"Dean, he wants to be left alone. He told you himself, he's confused, he felt blindsided. He thinks that maybe it's better for both of you to try and let things go back to the way they were. Give him time."

"Things will never be the way they were. They can't. Too much has changed." Dean said quietly. "I need him, Sam. That's why I went back for him that night. That's why I've always gone back for him, I've always made sure that we didn't leave him behind."

"You're telling this to the wrong person."

"But you told me to leave him alone," Dean could feel himself breaking.

"When did you start listening to me?"

Dean nodded and walked down the hall. He didn't even knock, he just opened to door to Cas's room. Cas was sitting on the bed staring at the TV. He didn't know what was on, but he couldn't handle sitting there in silence. He looked up at Dean and turned the TV off. They locked eyes and Dean finally took a step into the room, softly closing the door behind him. "I need to tell you some things, but I'll tell you from over here." He sat on the floor and leaned back against the wall. He couldn't look at Cas, he didn't even know what he wanted to say. He just knew that he needed to say something. "I just want to tell you that I know that I'm selfish. I didn't go back for you that night just to help you, I went back for me. I went back because I need you. I knew the risk, but I didn't care. I just knew that I couldn't leave you behind. I can't leave you behind. I've never really known where to put you in my life, Cas. I've said that you are my best friend, and you are, but this goes beyond friendship and it always has, I just never knew what it meant. After I was beaten and I finally came to, I saw Sam and I knew that he was okay. I was out of it, confused, but when I heard your voice, the pain didn't matter anymore. I knew that you were okay, that was what mattered. You didn't leave my side that night. But something changed the day that you stood up to me and called me a pain in the ass. It felt like for the first time you realized there is no profound celestial bond between us, it's a human bond and it's here because it's what we want, it's what I want. That was the day that we both knew that I'm not your human charge anymore. I saw you that day, I looked into your eyes, and everything made sense. I don't deserve you, I know that. I knew it when you accidentally threw your arm across my chest. I knew it the first time I kissed you, and you kissed me back. I was terrified the night that you straddled me and wanted me inside of you. I was afraid of hurting you, or disappointing you. I meant everything that I said that night. I knew that it had to be you, it's always been you, Cas. I hid things from you, and I am sorry, I am so sorry. But I felt like I had to do it on my own, that I had to learn to stop relying on you. All I have ever done is take. Every time I've been broken, you've fixed me and I had to know that I didn't need you to fix me, I just need you with me. Everything you said the other day was true. I took something away from you, something that you wanted. I blindsided you and I was an asshole. I just didn't have the balls to tell you any of this, to let you know that I want you by my side no matter what the circumstances are. I wanted to, and I should have. I fucked up. You have always been important, but now you are everything to me, Cas. I see things in you that I didn't even know existed, just like you see things in me. You make me feel things that I can't describe. You said that you don't know where you fit. I don't know how to explain it. I just know that I can't bring myself to try and picture my life without you in it." Dean could see the tears on Cas's face, and felt his own. "Honestly, I don't know what love really means, but if this is how it feels to love someone, then I understand why my father did some of the things that he did." Dean finally wiped his face and looked at the floor, he wanted to get through this without breaking down. "You went to hell to find me, Cas. It's a cheesy start to a story, but I had to get my ass kicked by demons to find you."

"Dean..." 

He looked up and saw Cas holding his hand out. He stood up and walked over to kneel painfully next to the bed, his face just inches from Cas's. "I can't lose you," Dean whispered, pressing their foreheads together. "I don't know which words are more meaningful, which make more sense. I need you, I always have. I can't do this without you, I can't see a life without you. I know I'm not the man that you think I am, but I will spend every day for the rest of my life trying to be that man for you." He couldn't stop the tears when he felt Cas's lips against his. He could feel them both crying, their tears mixing as he slowly pushed Cas back on the bed and deepened the kiss. "Are you sure?" he whispered against Cas's mouth. Cas just nodded and reached to help Dean pull his t-shirt over his head before sliding off his own. They quickly shed the rest of their clothes and Cas laid on his back, waiting for Dean to crawl up the bed and settle between his legs. Dean cradled Cas's face in his hands and kissed him gently, tears still slowly rolling down his cheeks. He sat up and just let his eyes take in the beauty of this man who still wanted him, even if he didn't deserve it. He slowly slid his rough and calloused hands up Cas's sides, staring into those eyes that told him everything. He watched Cas slide the pillows under his hips and reach for the lube that he kept in his own nightstand. He pressed it into Dean's hand and nodded before Dean could ask the question. He set it on the bed next to them and bent down to trap Cas with a tender kiss. The heat of Cas's body against his hands and his mouth left him distracted. Nothing outside of this moment existed for him. He needed Cas to understand, to know, that without him, Dean was nothing. He sat up again and searched his eyes, this was about feeling as close to him as he could, not about an orgasm. He needed Cas to see that. The forgiveness and trust that he felt almost broke him. Cas wanted to feel him, he wanted him as close as he could be. Dean picked up the bottle and slowly dripped lube on his fingers, "Ready?" he whispered as he reached down and pressed a finger against Cas. He saw the almost imperceptible nod and slid his finger in gently, moving it back and forth until he could feel Cas relax enough for the second finger. He softly rubbed Cas's chest, his stomach, trailed his hand down the side of his face while he carefully moved his fingers, finding his prostate and stroking it. When he felt Cas start rocking against his hand he slipped his fingers out and buried his cock in one swift motion. "It's okay baby, just lay still. I won't move until you're ready," he whispered. Cas wrapped his hand around the back of Dean's head and pulled him into a hungry kiss, he was ready. Dean started to slowly move, positioning his body until he felt himself hitting the sweet spot. He trapped Cas cock between them, knowing that the friction would be enough. He knew that he was Cas's first and he planned on being Cas's only. He wanted it to last, he wanted to feel like this forever. "I can't lose you, Cas." he whispered, his voice catching. They rocked together slowly, touching and kissing, whispering all of the things that they needed to hear. Dean held him in a deep kiss as Cas arched against him, digging his fingers into the flesh of his back, moaning his name. Dean felt the warmth spread between them and trusted himself to thrust deeper. He came hard and collapsed, sweaty and exhausted against Cas. "You are my everything," he whispered, dropping soft kisses on Cas's face. 

"I know, Dean." Cas said softly. "I don't always understand emotions, you know that. I don't know that either of us really do. But if it takes words like love and need, if it takes me telling you every day that I can't see my life without you here, then that's what I'll do." Dean leaned his head back so that they could lock gazes. They knew that they didn't need the words. Dean bent his head for another tender kiss before he finally rolled off of Cas's body and laid next to him, missing Cas's body heat, but reaching for his hand. Cas loved how Dean would intertwine their fingers and kiss his knuckles. 

"I never want to see you get up and walk away from me, unless I know that you'll be coming back." Cas whispered. 

"I'll always come back for you," Dean said softly, still holding Cas's hand against his lips.


End file.
